Why Did She explode? A Tip: Her Identity (Part 2).

In a previous article (“Why Did She Explode….?”), I tried to show that Identity is a useful explanatory and treatment tool. Identity, interacting with conditions, can explain feelings and behavior.  Here I’d like to offer some ideas about using identity to solve emotional and behavioral problems.

The psychological theory that fits best with the concept of identity is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. A brief review may help. CBT operates on the assumption that how we PERCEIVE our world, how we SEE our situation, determines how we respond. By challenging our perceptions, our thinking about life, we can change problematic actions and feelings.

Stress/anxiety, for example, is the result of the perception of risk. The greater the “risk”, the higher the  level of anxiety, regardless of the accuracy of the perception. A horror movie can leave one feeling “terrified”, even when the “danger” is purely a cinematic creation. And accurately seeing a risk can prompt us to take necessary protective action against some genuine danger. Different perceptions of similar situations produce different reactions.

To clarify identity’s role further, let’s look at the imaginary case of “Ellen”,  a woman who volunteered for a personal growth and anxiety reduction retreat. Getting free attendance for helping out, she hoped to learn better ways to manage her anxiety. Instead, she had a near panic experience. Assigned to checking in attendees, her role was filled with possibilities for making mistakes and being criticized. Leaving her looking “incompetent,” “dumb”, “out of her depth”. She felt vulnerable to such judgements because she had endured them many times before. And her “training” did not effectively prepare her for what lay ahead-neither having the answers to potential questions nor how to handle upset patrons.

The opening of any retreat is a hectic and stressful time for staff and supervisors. Many things to do and a decreasing time to do them. So Ellen’s training was rushed and incomplete. She was not given a thorough preparation for responding to the many needs of arriving participants.  Fortunately, most attendees were patient and understanding of the situation. They were satisfied with Ellen’s “I’m sorry I don’t know the answer now, but I’ll look into it and get back to you as soon as I can.” She felt no judgement of her or her performance by most patrons and, so, feeling safe, felt no anxiety. Everyone makes mistakes. (How many have you detected in this article so far?) Ellen heard others at the reception table also being unable to answer every question. So she didn’t feel singled out as incompetent.

One patron expressed some mild disappointment about not being told exactly when he could occupy his room.  But no negative judgement was made or implied, so Ellen remained calm. Furthermore, she could “externalize” her inability to provide him with satisfaction to her “poor training.”

But one attendee became upset and belligerent with her reply. “I paid good money for this program. I deserve an answer NOW! Are you incompetent? Are you an idiot, or what?” Publicly humiliated, scolded, shamed, Ellen blurted “Excuse me” and ran to the rest room sobbing.

The difference between the unfazed patron and the aggressive one was not just their volume and anger level, but where they aimed their discontent. The calmer attendee accepted that a big event will have some glitches and made no criticism of Ellen’s PERFORMANCE nor PERSONALITY. The angry client attacked BOTH Ellen’s performance and her identity. Lacking a solid sense of her capabilities and accomplishments to fall back on, her core sense of defectiveness felt exposed and magnified. She felt that the critic had hit the heart of her “truth”. Unable to shift the blame to “training”, Ellen felt her actual identity, her shameful reality was revealed for all to see. So she ran to hide from this excruciating humiliation. Hide from others but not from herself. Her pose as “confident and capable” could no longer be maintained for the public or herself.

Her “emotional nose” was publicly rubbed in her core identity as “a total fuck up who never does anything right.”

Hoping the retreat would help her escape from chronic anxiety and abject “worthlessness”, she instead had her worst self-beliefs “confirmed”. Arousing a contempt and self loathing far more intense than any abuse by the angry patron.

Could anything calm Ellen and restore some semblance of worth and competence??

Fortunately, her supervisor was standing nearby and saw the entire awful encounter and followed Ellen. Being a deeply empathic and a highly skilled therapist, she knew how to comfort Ellen. Scolding her about the upset customer never crossed her mind. it would only make things worse.

Nor could she patronize Ellen with “what a great worker you are. You’ve done many great things in life. Don’t let that jerk upset you.” “Susan” didn’t really know Ellen and would lose credibility by offering cheap praise.  But there was a TRUTH about Ellen and the situation, however, that could help turn things around: “Ellen this is MY fault. I’m so very sorry that I didn’t prepare you and the others much better. And I’m sorry he yelled at you. That was completely out of line. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Please forgive me. it wasn’t your fault. I would have had difficulty handling that guy. Take some time off and then I will reassign you to a calmer role, counting arrival paperwork in the office, not on the front desk. How does that sound? Would that help?”

“Yes! Yes!”, Ellen mumbled, catching her breath.

Susan’s basic message was “YOU are OK, Ellen. What happened wasn’t.”

By empathizing and correctly reading what Ellen was going through, Susan could “take Ellen off the hook” of shame and deficiency. And by offering Ellen a safer, non-public role Ellen could recover and see the situation and, most importantly herself, differently. Not as a “complete fuck up”, but caught in a difficult condition even for the supervisor. Rather than being “inferior” and irreparably defective, she saw that some situations were hard for even clearly competent individuals. Rather than feeling uniquely inferior to others, Ellen could now see that others also struggled sometimes.

But wasn’t Susan actually patronizing Ellen? By failing to confront and challenge her excessively negative identity? Not in the restroom. Ellen wasn’t seeking treatment for her life-long negative identity and the painful consequences it had for her. In a therapy office when Ellen seeks help, gently challenging would have been expected and appropriate. Comforting her during a crisis was a kind and compassionate response. Within the duties of a supervisor. Even if Ellen didn’t request any help recovering from her painful experience. She was clearly grateful for Susan’s intervention. And that intervention worked because Susan offered Ellen a more positive way to see herself in this situation and overall. Addressing a likely painful identity was effective here because that is where Ellen’s pain emanated from.

In summary, CBT focuses on identifying and challenging the perceptions, beliefs, and meanings that produce problematic feelings and actions. By intuiting how Ellen’s identity was probably creating her pain and shame, Susan was able to offer Ellen a more comfortable way to see herself after the wounding criticism that she had suffered. Helping Ellen regain her composure and some self-respect by offering another way to see herself.

Consider addressing potential identity issues in anxiety, social anxiety, depression, relationship conflicts, and with other emotional problems.

Have you ever suffered a crisis level assault on your identity? What helped you recover?