Why Did She explode? A Tip: Her Identity (Part 1).

Why would a waitress totally lose it, scream at her customers, throw things, block their leaving the restaurant, and end up in handcuffs and taken away by the police? A recent Facebook posting reported this incident, showing the woman in handcuffs, but giving us few details about her.

There are numerous possible ways to explain her behavior:

1. a) A psychiatric diagnosis such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Intermittent Explosive Disorder, both involving angry outbursts.
2. b) A medical condition, like Traumatic Brain Injury.
3. c) Upbringing and family conditions where outburst were routine. 
4. d) Childhood trauma: physical, emotional, and sexual abuse leaving one unable to control emotions when threatened.
5. e) Her personality/character: “She’s a thin skinned hothead unable to handle frustration and perceived disrespect”
6. f)  Stress: she was under tremendous pressure and lost control.

And I’m sure you could come up with other possible explanations. What I’d like to suggest as another possibility is that ever present aspect of our experience:, our identity. It will not cancel the other ideas mentioned and might actually be a part of those explanations. As powerful as identity is in our experience, feelings and behavior, I think you will agree that it’s rarely offered as an explanation. I hope to persuade you that it might be something helpful to consider. To make my case, I will create a background and psychology using identity as an explanatory element. What follows will be a fiction. Not the reality of that waitress.

We all have some more or less clear, more or less idea about who we are. I’m a “capricorn”. I’m an “atheist”. These labels provide a shorthand way to describe how we see ourselves and our hope of how the world will understand us. Our identity goes well beyond such labels to the story of how we became who we are and who we want to become. The way we are treated plays a large role in that story and our identity. We learn our place and value in society. Some identities exaggerate our skills, accomplishments, value. Some are comfortable. And some identities are miserable to live with. 

We all have some sense of being a unique, distinct individual. Making us “special”, assuring our belonging, and value to others. Different but similar enough to others that we’re not a scorned “freak”. Our signature strengths and traits contribute to our uniqueness, and provide a sense of being “needed” and secure in society. The unhappiest among us feel despised,  unwanted, uncared for, worthless. While the happiest feel welcomed. admired, significant, valuable. Imagine a homeless addict sleeping on a sidewalk-avoided if even noticed.. And a mother whose children celebrate her return home with joy.

We live not only in an external world, where the reaction of others impacts our mood and how we see and feel about ourselves. We also live in a private, inner world where we communicate with, guilde, and care for ourselves. Or loath and condemn ourselves. Bottom line, rich or poor, unknown or celebrated we all need to feel loved and lovable-that we matter to someone and would be mourned if we are gone.

Remember, identity is an idea.  It can be more or less accurate and so can be open to change

We all react to how we perceive our conditions. Perception is our operative reality even if it’s not actual reality. If we see ourselves as being treated with respect, even if those we’re interacting with actually look down on us, we’ll feel safe and calm. If we see disrespect, even if they have not actually judged us negatively,
we will feel hurt, angry, defensive. We can and often do misread situations.

The Facebook post tells us she served a family of 5 who left no tip with an $83 bill. She scolded them about disrespect and that she doesn’t work for “free”.

Will you agree most of us would have been unhappy about that outcome, but not everyone will go so ballistic that we get arrested?

Here’s where identity probably plays a role. (Again this is all my creation to make a point.)

Our waitress was raised by 2 addicts who were neglectful, critical, unloving, and abusive. She was repeatedly told that she was “always disappointing, never good enough”. Called a”failure”, a “worthless loser”. It mattered little that her parents were themselves hardly models of good lives. They were the only reality she knew. Unsurprisingly, she too became and addict, suffering in the negative identity her parents had imposed and confirmed by her own drug use.

But a HS teacher saw value and talent in her and convinced her that she could have a good life. Pointing out strengths that she was blind to: intelligence, honesty, and being articulate and thoughtful. So, after a long struggle, she achieved the biggest success of her life: she became clean and sober. Started junior college. Studied hard to prepare for a medical career. And worked diligently at the only job she could find, a waitress at IHOP. She vowed to do better than her parents, but feared she would fail at that life goal.

The day of the incident, she was alone on the dining room floor. The other waitress called in sick. She took the challenge to provide “excellent service” to all her customers. To prove to herself mainly that she was more, much more than a waitress.

Scrambling to serve orders as fast as she could, tolerating finger snaps and “hey you, bring me a…” treatment, it was a very stressful morning. But she felt she was living up to her challenge.

Until, that family of five began leaving without any tip. That was the trigger for her outburst because SHE felt it was confirmation of her old “worthless, loser, never good enough” identity. And a rejection of her slowly developing “I CAN be someone” sense of self. A perception of “you’re nothing. You deserve nothing” in that gesture.

She screamed “I’m not your maid” and that servers deserve “respect.”

Her fury expressed to that family how defeated, how destroyed, how helpless she felt about ever being worthy. And deflected that fury AWAY from herself and the conviction that “my parents were right, I AM worthless.” Because who she was mainly angry with was herself. Deep down she felt “No matter how hard I try, I still don’t measure up. I still don’t matter. I’m still NOTHING.” Deep down she felt shame about who she is.

I hope you can see that experience is filtered through the MEANING our identity gives it. Does this identity based explanation add anything to the other possibilities? And WHY do we overlook this close to home perspective?