Identities are developed, learned through multiple life experiences. How we are treated, for example, is a big source of our identity. While the word “respect” may have never been spoken, when we are treated with respect we learn that we are worthy of respect. When we are treated with contempt, we learn we are “contemptible” even if we are never directly told that. Usually, however, we are told who we are. Under the best of circumstances someone tells us “You’re smart, funny, sweet, good looking, lovable, etc.” And that becomes our view of ourself. Sadly, not everyone is welcomed into the world by kind, loving parents, siblings and peers. Some are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused, suffering from Adverse Childhood Experiences. They might be told they’re “worthless, stupid, you stink, I wish you were never born.”
In our early years, parents are omniscient, infallible authorities. So their judgements are accepted by us as beyond question-even if they contradict reality. Objectively, we may be of high intelligence, but if our parents call us “stupid retards”, that’s who we become in our own eyes. Recovery from such slander may become a person’s life project. While the evidence of our actual ability may contradict our parents’ judgement, their influence retains great power. We may struggle mightily to “make something of ourselves” and to replace the negative with a positive identity. Often seeking professional help with this
Image how painful a conviction of being “totally worthless” would be. It’s not just an idea that we hold about ourselves, it’s a “truth” that would lead us to despise ourselves with a cruelty similar to our parents’ abuse. Such unfortunates are often plagued with shame, awkwardness, and anxiety. Making them a target of bullies, reinforcing their negative self-concept, giving “validity” to what is heard at home. Such cruelty may be the other children’s attempt to project their negative self-image onto others.
As desperately as a client may hunger to develop a new identity, severe emotional/identity abuse is not easily overcome. Once again, the therapist’s role is to gently identify negative beliefs (it hurts like hell to think of oneself as a…..) and their origins and delicately challenge them. Looking for signs of those beliefs weakening. Clients often have conflicted views of themselves. Both being convinced that their parents are correct and furious at how they were treated, feeling they deserved better than this cruelty. A good sign that the negative identity may not be fully accepted.
“YOUR DAY IN COURT”
Confronting abusers is an opportunity to relate what they’ve been through and the impact it has had on them. To demand acknowledgement of the grievous injustice. Such an experience can have an enormously healing impact. But it’s highly unlikely the abusers will agree to such a confrontation. If they have passed away, it’s impossible. What to do?
There’s an exercise I call “Your Day In Court” that can provide this healing experience in IMAGINATION. If conducted effectively, it can give the client some of what they crave. It involves 3 steps:
#1a) IMAGINE your abusers are here and you can say anything and everything you need to express any way you want to express it. And in our imaginary “perfect world”, they will quietly, calmly, non-defensively LISTEN. And actually HEAR you. Don’t hold back. This is the opportunity you have been longing for. Don’t hold back. What have you always needed to tell them?
#1b) Is there anything else you need to tell them? Remember you are guaranteed that they will completely, truly HEAR you.
They HAVE HEARD you now. And for emphasis, reiterate the most important points that you need them to hear. (This helpfully summarizes the key points for the therapist and gives the client the chance to review their statement.)
#2) Moving along, they “get it”. They HEARD and UNDERSTOOD you. Based on that understanding, they SINCERELY say the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT thing. And they MEAN IT! What do you MOST NEED to hear them say? (This gets at their deepest, unmet needs.)
#3) How did it FEEL to hear that? What does it MEAN to you to have them finally say…….? Does it CHANGE anything? You DESERVED to hear that sooner and in reality. But has this helped? Is there any part of this that you can GIVE YOURSELF? (For example, do you REALLY need to hear them say “You’re smart”???)
At each step, the therapist gently invites the client to “say more about…” to get deeper into the meaning of significant elements.
Try this with yourself, Dear Reader. Have you been in some recent painful conflict? Have you been recently hurt by someone? Using this exercise to explore your identity issues will help you use this for your clients.